breaking news: girl loves cat

At some point in May, or June, when my psychologist and I are discussing my chronic perfectionism and fear of, uh, fucking shit up, I find myself telling her that I've been thinking of fostering a cat. I've been thinking about it for — I don't know, years — and I've kept talking myself out of it,

because I cannot persuade myself that I am fit to be a cat parent. My living arrangements and current lifestyle are wrong, I tell myself. My aunt’s cat, in Hong Kong, fucking hates my guts, which may be a sign that I am simply repulsive to feline sensibilities. I did not grow up with animals, save a brief period with a guinea pig and an even briefer one with goldfish — so perhaps I am simply taking it for granted that a love of silly cat videos will translate into a love of real, furry, bitey, scratchy, menace cats. I cannot, in good conscience, make a commitment to a life, a living being, that will depend upon me for all things,

when I am barely able to keep myself alive.

DASS Score [27 October 2021]

Depression: 13 – Severe

Anxiety: 7 – Moderate

Stress: 12 – Moderate

Twilight comes to us in late June. Actually, that’s a lie: a nameless, ten-month-old kitty comes to us in late June, needing a little pre-desexing holiday. Having finally taken a leap of faith, we rock up at the shelter on a Saturday morning to pick up a nice, easy, beginner foster Adult Cat,

and they bring out a carrier, and tell us that we can give this little guy a name.

I want to call him Moo, because his white coat has black splodges, like a cow. Hans wants to call him either Anya, or Twilight, because we’ve been watching Spy x Family. Either way, he’s a cutie, and we realise very quickly that he’s neither aggressive, nor terrified (as foster cats are wont to be). Au contraire,

within hours, he is napping in the living room. We discover that he matches our rug.

SHOWING BELLY???? FOR FREE???

he's so nimble when he wants to be

Oh he really loves you guys

I send little video clips of him to friends, because I need their reassurance that he is simply purring, not wheezing. I vacuum multiple times a day, lest some edible, or inedible, scrap makes it into his mouth or belly. I make him puzzles and feeders using bits of trash otherwise destined for recycling, in case he is not being sufficiently Enriched. I’m stressed when I cannot see him.

He paws and whines at our closed bedroom door at night, and resumes again in the morning. He follows us into the bathroom and naps beside Hans, on the couch. He is stern with us: particularly at meal times, what’s ours is his, and what’s his is also his. He’s stressed when he cannot see us.

The night he decides to have a tiny piece of chicken-scented twine as his supper is the night I decide to simply remain awake so that I can keep an eye on him. Otherwise — what if he starts behaving oddly in the middle of the night, feeling discomfort or pain, yowling — but I am not awake to observe those warning signs? What if I crawl out of bed in the morning to find that he needed me, but I wasn’t there?

just had my psych appt and described twilight as a suspiciously good boy

then had to unpack why I said suspicious

Why suspicious Jane

do you have one hour and an emotions wheel to hand

Wait just get AI to summarise for u /joking

Ok well for what it’s worth, [redacted]

omg lol it is also [redacted] problems for me

my self-doubt and fear that I am not equipped to take on the worst case scenario?

that's just intergenerational cycle

omg I accidentally closed my laptop on him when he jumped up onto it and now he's scared of me I'm gonna cry !!!!!!!! I traumatised him !!!!!!!

I will repent for the rest of my life. I'm so sorry Twilight you will get a churu soon

OH NO it’s ok he’ll cool down

i pray he does. this is how i'm finding out i'm too emotionally unstable to adopt a cat

My physiotherapist is surprised when she realises my shoulder and neck is even stiffer than usual. I joke that my cat has displaced me from my desk to the couch, so unfortunately I’ve been spending long days hunched over my laptop recently. I don’t admit that I am, in fact, not joking; nor do I mention that he, occasionally, also commandeers my pillow.

My psychologist is concerned when I explain that I have been more fatigued than usual, lately, partly because I am finding myself waking earlier than usual and being unable to lull myself back into a dream world. I joke that I have adapted to my cat’s body clock. She laughs as she notes that, to be frank, I probably have.

Mental State Examination: Affect dysthymic, reactive, seemingly dissatisfied and uneasy […] tendency towards obsession and rumination.

Impression: Persistent depressive disorder, […] obsessive personality traits

Suncatcher Bundle, Choose Your Own 3 Sun Catcher Decals, Rainbow Maker Window Cling with Self Love Art, Uplifting Home Decor Sticker Gift

Jane on 23 Aug, 2025
5 out of 5 stars

I bought a set of suncatchers because I got it in my head that my cat would enjoy seeing the colours move across the room whilst lounging in the sun. Of course, my cat has shown absolutely no interest in this. On the other hand, I didn't anticipate how much joy it would bring me to find rainbows all over my apartment every morning ❤ Beautiful items, exquisitely packaged (with a stunning card and extra stickers!), quick shipping. These would make lovely gifts.

His favourite night-time sleeping location is a cushy, emerald green chair next to my side of the bed. Occasionally, he joins us in the bed, too, though usually awake (and I know this since in doing so, he wakes me) — to observe us, or stand guard, or for warmth, or because he’s ready to play but is happy to be patient for our sakes.

As a consequence, my new morning routine involves hauling myself out of bed to watch the sun rise. I pick him up for a cuddle and we gaze out the window together; I point out the hot air balloons floating across the sky; I blow streams of bubbles that glisten blue or green or orange, for him to chase and sniff and catch.

Due to being clinically Dead Inside, there are many activities that I tolerate as pleasant, but few that spark intense joy. For instance,

I’m not much of a cook (though, I ask 妈 to save me a few raw chicken bones for her new grandcat — since I am pescetarian and have never purchased non-marine Animal Flesh in my life. I give him a couple of juicy wing pieces, and boil the rest into a broth),

and I’m certainly no artist (though, one Sunday, I find myself slicing and taping cardboard boxes together, using the scraps to reinforce a doorframe and lay a roof, so that Twilight can put the meow in homeowner),

and I’ve never been a green thumb (though, I purchase a set of cat-friendly seedlings, and whilst they’re with 妈 until they're robust enough to withstand a rambunctious teenage cat, I am now sifting through Black Friday sales for cute and fun indoor pots),

and I’m famously uninterested in physical activity (though, on balmy spring nights, I now wrangle Twilight into a little pink harness, so that I can take a stroll and he can nibble grass and chirp at birds).

From: Animal Behaviour Services
To: [email protected]
Monday, 17 November 2025 at 12:19 PM

It was a pleasure meeting you both (and Twilight!) last week. How have things been going?

He is such a clever boy and responded so well to the mat training, I think this will be really beneficial to continue. 

He’s mad when I have to pull a week of early mornings and late nights at my desk. I am exhausted beyond measure, but I can’t settle until the chapters have been tidied into a form worth others’ time for review. The apartment falls into disarray. I, too, fall into disarray.

I hit send on a Monday, and then I sleep beautifully. I only wake briefly in the middle of the night, to find Twilight beside me — not watching my chest rise and fall, as is his usual habit, but instead, languorously stretched out in his own deep slumber.